The day Dad passed, we called Palm and made an appointment to see what happens next and make arrangements for a funeral. This was the closest, biggest death our Helm 5 had experienced since the loss of Mama Jack in 2000. I was much more involved with this one.
January 20, 2021 – We had an appointment at Palm Mortuary at 10:00. We sat in a room with two women who went over the prices of different urns and other things. We ordered 12 death certificates. With COVID, it’s taking a bit longer than usual for them to come in. We were told it would be 2-3 weeks. We ordered a necklace with Dad’s fingerprint for Jake and had the back engraved. We plan to take it off the chain and put it on a keychain for him. We asked if they could give us a copy of Dad’s fingerprint so we could go elsewhere to make other items for the other grandkids. They said yes but it would take a couple weeks. Afterward, Mom wanted to visit Nana & Papa’s graves. While we were standing at their graves, Mom said Papa’s headstone was replaced a while ago because it has been chipped by the lawnmower. She said she felt bad for us for all being so young and losing our dad. After we left Palm, we went to Starbucks to plan Dad’s memorial service. We decided to have it on Saturday at the park. Palm had a limit of 40 people they could allow due to COVID and that wouldn’t be enough. When we got back to my parents’ house, we wrote and sent in the obituary to Palm. My sisters and I went to Sam’s Club to get food for the service. While we were there, we decided NOT to get the cookies that were on the list. Instead, we decided to get a variety of Little Debbies snack cakes. That seemed to be more “Dad”. We went to Walmart, picked our favorites, and cried in the aisle. We went to the florist that evening, but they were already closed so we went to the park to decide how we wanted to set up for the service. We ordered sandwiches from Jimmy Johns for the service. Our hairdresser sent over dinner.
January 21, 2021 – This morning, we went to the Bonnies Florist and ordered the flowers. Bonnie was shocked to hear about my dad. We have used this florist for years, so she knew my family well. My dad always ordered flowers for my mom from Bonnie. Palm called and said the prayer cards were ready. We ordered these instead of the large program-type handouts. They have a picture of my dad on the front and a short obit on the back. When I went to pick them up, I couldn’t help crying at the front desk when the lady showed them to me. I smiled and thanked her. She said, “He has a nice smile. He smiles with his eyes, like you”. Later that evening, my sisters and I went to my house and wrote the eulogy. It was much easier than I thought it would be to think of what we were going to say. It was also heart-wrenching. The dentist my mom works for sent over dinner.
January 22, 2021 – I called the city of Henderson and made the park reservation. Palm printed Dad’s obituary with the service arrangements. We were happy to see that people were leaving stories and memories of Dad. We went to Walmart to get some last-minute things for the service. My best friend, JoAnna flew in from Tennessee for the service. As I was on my way to the airport, it started to get windy and rain. We were all nervous about how the weather would be tomorrow. My school’s PTA sent over dinner. After dinner, we went to get picture frames for the tables at the service.
January 23, 2021 – Today is Mom’s 60th birthday. We went to the park around 9:30 to set up. Over 60 people showed up for Dad’s service at 11:00. It was nice to see people we hadn’t seen in years and hear the stories about Dad. The common thread throughout all of the stories told was how much he loved his family and what an overall good guy he was. This wasn’t a typical funeral. It was a true celebration of his life. People were asked not to wear black, we only wanted to see bright colors. My sisters and I wore floral shirts. Mike and my brother-in-laws wore Hallmark Christmas Movie shirts. The grandkids wore Magic Mountain shirts. The food and Little Debbie snacks were served in bright green trays. We played music by Three Dog Night and The Eagles. Every table had many pictures to look at. It was a party he would have loved to attend. That night, we ate leftovers, drank, and played dominos.
January 24, 2021 – I took JoAnna to meet with her family this morning before she flew back to Tennessee. Later in the afternoon, we went to Lowe’s to pick out flowers to plant in my parent’s backyard. We ordered a memorial stone to put with the flowers that will say Gramps’ Garden.
January 25, 2021 – After work, I went next door to meet with Titan solar. My dad had solar panels installed last month and signed the final loan paperwork while he was in the hospital. Titan came out to activate the panels and Mom asked the guy to remove them. He said that wasn’t possible since it takes more work to remove them than it does to install them. It looks like she is stuck with them and the payment for the next 20 years.
January 26, 2021 – After work, Morgan and I went through Dad’s desk and cleaned out what we could. We went through bills and started to make piles on the kitchen countertop. It was hard going through all of his things. He had so many pictures of the kids. He had a “pet rock” that Mackenzie made for him when she was 6. We put it in the garden.
January 27, 2021 – I created a spreadsheet of all bills and due dates for Mom. We called Credit One to close account, but they need a death certificate to proceed. I feel so many things right now. Luckily, guilt isn’t one of them. I spent so much time with my dad and we never left anything unsaid. I don’t ever wonder if he loved me or was proud of me. He told me was, often. Maybe that is what makes this hurt so bad, I don’t know.
January 28, 2021 – I took Jake to the airport early this morning to go back to Iowa. On the way, he told me about the plans changing for his 21st birthday that he had planned with his friend (this honestly calls for a whole nother post). Mom called a lawyer friend of the family. He advised possible bankruptcy from all the debt. He said to call the credit card companies first to see if they will negotiate due to the circumstances. He also suggested meeting with a bankruptcy lawyer just in case to see how to homestead the house. After work, we went to UPS Store to get the short-term disability paperwork notarized. Then we went to Albertson’s to get envelopes and stamps. We mailed out short-term disability paperwork.
January 29, 2021 – I called social security and they said Mom had to make an appointment for someone to call her back. The earliest appointment they have is March 15 at 2:30. My Aunt Cheryl (Dad’s sister) came out to spend the day with Mom. Mike and I do a weekend push for the Henderson Little Debbie distributor. We went out tonight and I cried when we left Winco. I realized I will never talk to my dad about Little Debbie again. I won’t be able to ask him questions or tell him funny stories about the crazies in the stores. I won’t be able to get donations for work or parties. I hate this!
January 30, 2021 – My mom called me over this morning thinking she might possibly be being scammed by AOL. It turns out that my dad was paying for some type of membership. It was legit, but Mom had me cancel it. That afternoon, Mom went to another service for her sister-in-law’s nephew who had passed away around the same time as Dad. They did the exact same type of service at the park. I don’t know how my mom sat through it, but she did. It was not any easier doing the Little Debbie stores tonight.
January 31, 2021 – Mom brought donuts over this morning. A group of friends took me to Culver’s in Bullhead, AZ. It was nice to take a quick road trip and talk about anything else. My friend lost her mom a long time ago and offered to talk anytime. I asked her when I will start crying. I obviously cried in spurts, but I didn’t think I was crying as much as Dad deserved. I cried because I felt guilty for not crying enough. She said I am most likely still in shock and it will hit me when I least expect it.
February 1, 2021 – I set up Netflix and other apps on Mom’s tv, and she canceled DirecTV. She called a bankruptcy lawyer and he told her that although Nevada is a common law state, she would most likely not be bothered after giving the credit card companies a copy of the death certificate and telling them there is no estate. Later, Mom went to dinner with her friends. When she got back, we went over for cake.
February 2, 2021 – After work, we had a locksmith come out to look at our safe. He said the battery part needed to be replaced. We would need to find the part. We are in the process of buying the house we have been renting for the last few years and had the appraisal this afternoon.
February 3, 2021 – After work, I went with my mom to pick up the death certificates at Palm. It was so painful to see it in writing that Dad was really gone. The lady at Palm gave us a list of all the places that would need an original copy and said she made a few copies to send to the places that would accept a copy.
February 4, 2021 –My sister went to Palm to pick up my dad’s fingerprints. We are going to order each of the grandkids a necklace or keychain with Gramps’ fingerprint for them to keep.
February 5, 2021 – I took my parent’s dog, Muffin to get spayed. I heard a new song on the radio and cried thinking of all the music Dad would no longer hear. He loved music.
February 6, 2021 – A couple of my friends came over to scrapbook. It was nice to focus on something I love again.
February 7, 2021 – Just as the Super Bowl was getting ready to start, the doorbell rang. I got served papers (again, this warrants a separate post). About 30 minutes later, I realized my debit card was hacked. On the bright side, my mom’s new bed was delivered.
February 8, 2021 – We still can not find the part we need for our safe. We called the locksmith back out to drill it open.
February 9, 2021 –After Mike got home from work, we went to buy new safe. While we were at the safe place, Palm called and said my dad’s remains would be ready for pick up tomorrow. I broke down when we left thinking of what that actually meant.
February 10, 2021 – No school/work My mom, sisters and I went to Palm at 9:00. I was fine all morning and was even fine walking into Palm and down the hallway to the reserved room. Before the lady opened the door, she turned to us and said, “This is going to be hard”. That threw me off a little. I imagined picking up his remains would be the same as picking up the death certificate or the prayer cards. It was nothing like that at all. When Karen opened the door, the first thing I noticed was how dark it was. The lights were dimmed and there were candles lit in the front of the room on each side of the urn. This is when I noticed I couldn’t breathe, and the tears would not stop rolling down my face and into my mask. We walked in and just stood there staring at what was left of my dad crying quietly. We didn’t stay very long, but it felt like hours. After we left, we went to Starbucks and planned a quick beach trip for May to spread his ashes.
February 16, 2021 – Mom went through Dad’s text messages and saw one between him and Dr. Tsuda from January when Dad was in the hospital. She texted Dr. Tsuda from her phone letting him know who she was and asking for an appointment. She needed to get some paperwork from him for my dad’s cancer policy. He told her to come in tomorrow morning and said he hoped my dad was doing alright and hanging in there.
February 17, 2021 – Mom went to see Dr. Tsuda. The first thing he did was ask how Dad was doing. Mom told him that Dad passed away last month, and he looked shocked and ASKED WHAT HAPPENED! I don’t know how my mom’s head didn’t explode! She explained the obvious.
February 28, 2021 – While going through what is hopefully the final few things, we found statements from appointments my Dad had in October with Dr. Tsuda. Dad was in the office on October 3 for a post op visit and had a phone conference on October 11. Neither time, was the biopsy or cancer discussed.
March 2021 – Reviewed bills coming in. Mountain View Hospital billed $378,000. After the insurance covered their portion, the balance is $77,000. Desert Springs Hospital hasn’t sent their bill for September yet, but Mom got paperwork from the insurance company stating they will not cover ANY of the $77,000 that Desert Springs charged because the surgery was due to Lap Band.
It’s been just over two months and is starting to set in. Dad is the last thing I think about at night and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I’m starting to have dreams, some with him, some without. Sleep is getting harder and more restless. I told my mom and sisters that every holiday and family function from now on needs to have Little Debbies snack cakes. The closer Mackenzie gets to graduating high school and going to college. The closer it gets to Jake’s 21st birthday and Sadie and Parker’s birthdays. My birthday. Father’s Day. Needless to say, June is going to be rough. This is the month that brings our family the most joy, but this year it will bring the most heartache.